


Protostar

by Hino_Hime



Series: Cosmic Stardust [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternative Parts, Angst, Diary/Journal, Drama & Romance, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, Loss, Love, Non-Canon Relationship, Or with summaries, Rescue Mission, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 04:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14536500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hino_Hime/pseuds/Hino_Hime
Summary: What if there was an attempted rescue mission to bring back the Kerberos-Crew?The reader has to come to terms with the loss of her lover while preparing for Operation Hydra.But sometimes things don't all go according to plan...Follow up on Part 1 "Nebula"(There is also aPlaylist.)





	1. Ready

**Author's Note:**

> Haiku (Hubris)
> 
> Mankind playing god,  
> Red burning sands, angry skies,  
> Blue ocean will rise.
> 
> (Ormond)  
> __________________________________________

**Personal Message Recording System**

**No. 4892**

_ Entry 27 _

It's been so long since you've gone. To remember your face I have to look at old pictures in magazines or even older ones in my photo albums.

I don't know what your voice sounds like anymore. I cannot recall what it feels like to hold you in my arms.

And it drives me crazy.

There were so many things we wanted to do, so many places to see and now, all of a sudden, it vanished.

My whole world turned upside down the day they reported you missing. I remember walking into the cafeteria, not having read any news yet, when someone stopped me with an evil grin.

She pointed towards the screen they had put up which showed the live broadcast, asking me if I already knew.

I didn't.

It took me a while until I understood what the newscaster was saying, and even longer to comprehend what it meant to me... to us.

I looked up into the devil's face who was asking me how it felt to lose ones lover. My first impulse was to tell her that we were nowhere near close to being lovers but even in my shocked state did I understand that there was no point in reasoning.

I thanked her for the information, flashed her a smile and walked straight out of the cafeteria again, my head empty, my body moving on its own.

Maybe I did not fully understood what had happened. Not until Keith came running, finding me at a deserted corner of the centre courtyard, sitting on a bench, staring into the sky.

The look on his face was what made the whole situation real.

Something inside of me snapped and I could feel the physical pain from my heart shattering as I drowned on my own sobs and cries. I fell to my knees, Keith trying to catch what was left of me, holding me tight.

No words can describe the agony I felt.

Him holding me was the only thing keeping me in one piece, his voice anchoring me into reality as my mind gave up on me and I blacked out.

This was by far not the worst day if I am honest. The initial impact hurt and the shame of breaking down in front of someone else left me with a bitter taste in my mouth but every hour after that was a walk through hell.

Everyone praised your name and commemorated you publicly. The service was mandatory as well, turning your disappearance into a lesson for everyone, stripping it from everything that made you. Classes were canceled for a few days which made no real difference to me.

Then they started to debate wether it was your fault alone and if it had been the wrong choice to trust you with such an important mission after all. Maybe you were not the ' _golden boy'_ after all.

I tried to fight such remarks but with my standing in the Garrison – by now I acquired the tag 'teachers pet' – they just scoffed and walked away.

It hurt.

You were gone, out of this orbit, this galaxy even. No matter how far I stretched my arms I could never reach out to you again.

There were no more stupid messages, no more movie-nights or opportunities to look up and count the stars. No more chances to watch you laugh or grow or look confused.

And ultimately no more chances to say what I should've said before you left, no matter the consequences.

This will be my biggest regret until my last day.

Having you so close yet not being brave enough to say what I knew I felt since I was 15.

Everyone around us knew except you. And me for the longest part. The rumors from day one proved to be true, even though I did not want to see it.

After you went to the Garrison I told myself that we were friends and that's that.

One look at you three years on and I knew I lied to myself for too long.

You know that I never believed at love at first sight. But in your case it was something else, because I knew you for years yet seeing you here again was like seeing you for the first time.

So maybe this really exists in some twisted way.

How I wish you would return in whatever deus-ex-machina-way there is so I could see you again for the first time.

To make things right again.

There was a meteor-shower a few days ago. As I saw them falling one by one I held out my hand, as if that would do any good. I sent my wishes to the stars, knowing too well, that most of them are probably already dead.

It struck me than that you might be one of them.

You once told me that we're all made of the same cosmic stardust.

The emptiness I feel since that day threatens to swallow me up whole whenever I am not focusing enough. For that not to happen I buried myself into research, studies and training.

General Iverson said that I am following your path which is ridiculous.

Only you can walk it.

Still, he said that the higher-ups were contemplating a rescue mission, for the equipment at least. I filled out my application and I know that with my grades they cannot ignore me.

 

 

_The Garrison lay there amidst the desert. Being the biggest and most famous military academy on earth so far, the whole complex did not really looked that part. One block of concrete after the other made it look like a very fragile structure. Yet it held technologies of the latest generations._

_It has been four months since the Kerberos-Mission went missing. The whole base had gone back to its everyday structures and ways._

_Or, to be more precise, almost everyone._

_A girl in her second year sat in her room on a rainy Friday afternoon. Her eyes were glued to the screen as if she was not able to comprehend the message that flashed in front of her._

_She looked like she did not know what to make of it, her expression changing within moments from astonished to scared to happy to heartbroken._

_There was something about her that made any onlooker's heart ache. A longing in her eyes which remained somber even when she flashed a smile._

_Maybe the big philosopher was right when he said that hell is not a place of fire but it lays in other people._

__  
  
  


**Personal Message Recording System**

_**No. 4892** _

Entry 34

What's the point in recording these messages? And why do I keep sending them up into the void despite knowing so well that they will only ever get lost in the static?

[sighs]

Ultimately I still can't let go of you... I guess sending them is the only thing I have left that reminds me of your existence. That you were real.

It's pathetic I know that much. I am making a fool out of myself for letting these feelings of regret and loss get the better of me and yet... I can't help myself.

Perhaps I keep them as a diary for myself as well... To keep any kind of structure in my days. To not let this little flame of hope inside of me burn out and leave me alone in the darkness...

And maybe... Maybe even a fraction of this gets through to you... Or the stars are finally going to listen to us...

[muffled sobs]

I know you would never want me to let myself go like that and I promise you, I am trying.

Getting up and to class and be the best at everything is a mere byproduct of trying to outrun my thoughts and aching heart. But I am trying to get better every day. At living without you.

They really hate me by now as I am beginning to excel in my classes just as you did before me.

I don't have anything left in me that would care.

 

 

Entry 35

Things really do change over time. They become a distorted version of their former selves, burning away everything else until that is the only form we keep.

History is just a story we tell ourselves after all...

I would not recognise my former self if I met her.

Keith came over today as he and the others did frequently for the past months. They never said anything but I know that they are worried about me. I know because they look at me with the same somber expression I find staring at myself in a mirror.

I wish I could be my old self again and just enjoy the ride...

 

 

_The boy sat down on her bed, looking around the room and finally at her. He had a few bruises on his arms and cheeks, proving that he would not shy away from any confrontation. The only downside was that by now he had gotten into so many fights that he could be thrown out any day. Only he did not seem to mind too much._

_The two of them sat in silence for a long time, before she asked what brought him over._

“ _I wanted to sneak out with you... But it's still pouring down so I guess we stay here.”, his voice was barely audible._

_She had been recording another set of messages to send to the stars. She knew that it was to no avail and still she continued to hurt herself as with every sent message an automatic reply popped up at her screen, telling her that the message could not be sent to an address that did not exist._

_It was her daily reminder of her own loss, feeding into the remorse._

_The girl looked out of her window which confirmed his statement. It had been raining for the past week or so, making the sand almost muddy. The sky was full of grey and heavy clouds._

_Another look at her watch told her that it was way past curfew which also applied on weekends._

_Leaving would be a violation of these rules._

_After she looked at the boy once more she answered him quietly, “Keith, let's go for a ride.”_

 

 

_The unlike pair reached the plain with the little cabin after only a short ride on a hover-bike. Without paying any attention to the heavy rain they got off the bike and started to walk around instead of just heading straight inside._

“ _I feel like in one of those movies where they walk around in the rain just to be followed by their love interest and then they kiss.”, the girl said dryly which made the boy hum in agreement._

_They fell silent again, just walking up a slope. After all the heartache from the past weeks it seemed that there was nothing left to talk about as words could not explain the agony and hollowness inside, fearing every night to not wake up the next morning from the piercing screams of the heart._

_Even out there the girl was not able to feel any calmness or tranquility. The shattering of her own broken self was too loud after all._

_As they reached the highest point they turned around and looked over the plain, barely visible through the rain. For a short moment one could think that nothing bad had ever happened and that it was just a bad dream._

_But eventually even this veil was ripped apart as the consciousness kicked back in, reminding her of the harsh truth._

_Looking up into the sky the boy said, “He's somewhere up there. I know it. There's no way he would just crash-land a ship or whatever they've made up.”_

_She flashed him a tiny smile, her eyes sorrowful, “I wish... But what do you want to do?”_

_He just looked at her, “We wait until the right time comes.”_

 

 

**Personal Message Recording System**

_**No. 4892** _

Entry 48

It has become rather difficult for me to spend time with the others like we used to. And I know it's my fault and mine alone. They were nothing but kind and understanding and yet I am retreating more and more.

Somehow there are too many memories I can't deal with yet.

And it's not only that I miss you and that I am constantly reminded of your absence... It's just the way I see my reflection in their eyes. The way they have no words left to get through to me.

I look like a wreck. To say the least.

[chuckles]

You would scold me if you saw me. There is nothing different on the outside per se. But whenever I see myself I am scared of how dark my eyes have become. How sad my expression is not matter how hard I try.

I feel so pathetic...

Pidge is seemingly coping better with this than I do, but then again, we're both only pretending.

I've been to the simulator with Lance, Pidge and Hunk today. It was a lot of fun. Did you know that Lance is a decent pilot? He always acts up and is playing the fool but if he needs to be, he knows exactly what to do. With a lot of unnecessary moves and turns – to Hunk's dismay – but he gets the job done. If only he would stop messing around in class, then the others would not make fun of him...

It's in those situations that I notice that I have detached myself from them. At least to a certain degree. I just stand there while trying to help them with weak arguments, not able to find a fighting spirit.

Of course they know and we are still close... It's just that I feel like someone had put me in a glass-cage.

Or a maze.

And I can't seem to find my way out.


	2. Set

 

TOP SECRET – SPECIAL HANDLING BY RESTRICTED PERSONNEL ONLY

 

14 March 20xx

 

Memorandum for Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Garrison Military Base

Subject: Operation Hydra

 

  1. After the disappearance of the Kerberos-Crew and the deemed failure of the mission, the Joint Chiefs of Staff began assembling ideas for a rescue mission.  


  2. The initial ideas proved to be too high-demanding in terms of cost, material and personnel regarding the aim of rescuing a crew of three – given the fact that it is unknown to this day wether the crew is alive, to be found or deceased.  


  3. It was therefore decided to launch a rescue mission with the smallest possible crew.  


  4. The discussion between staff-members of the science-department and the military-department went on for hours to come to an agreement which would benefit both.  


  5. Finally, three people where calculated to be enough – if instructed correctly – to retrieve any remaining icicles, gear and crew-members.  


  6. The three crew-members to go on this mission are as follows  
a) Caroline Peterson – Pilot  
b) Andrew McGriever – Co-Pilot  
c) [Y/N][L/N] – Engineer/Scientist  


  7. All of the members mentioned above will start their specified training at the beginning of the following month which will continue until launch in late June.  


  8. The mission is scheduled to take between 7 months and 1 ½ years depending on the findings at Kerberos.  


  9. Failure is not an option.




 

 

**Personal Message Recording System**

_**No. 4892** _

Entry 62

There was a hearing today, regarding the rescue mission. They are really going to send another shuttle up there to at least retrieve your findings. If there is anything to retrieve at all.

Isn't it weird that they are talking about you crashing the shuttle and then again about finding the remains? If a shuttle crashes, there is hardly anything left at all...

I have to give credit to Keith who is just not believing them and their official reports. Something is obviously fishy about this. They seem to know more than they let on.

[sighs]

Still, I am glad that the panel voted for the rescue mission to be put together after such a long time. There is only one minor detail that strikes me as odd.

The scheduled launch date is the first anniversary of the launch of the Kerberos-Mission.

Who would think of something like that as a good omen?

 

Entry 63

We finally came together to bake something as Hunk had suggested a year ago. It was also the first time we met Sharon, the girl he is still tutoring. She is such a nice girl, her eyes look around in wonder.

The two of them are very cute together and I am beginning to think that Hunk has a thing for girls who are a tad bit taller than him.

I have no idea how we managed to rent one of the kitchens and not wreck it. Apart from Hunk and – interestingly – Lance, no one had any idea what we should do. We decided to make some chocolate-chip-muffins which really isn't rocket science but as someone who has little experience with baking, it was a real challenge for me.

Especially as Keith decided to eat almost all of the raw batter out of the bowl.

It was a lot of fun to spend time with them and finally be able to eat a muffin for real – it took a few trays before anything edible came out of that whole commotion.

[short pause]

I guess I am just rambling away without getting anywhere... But that's how I feel at the moment. Like I am trying my best and running, already short of breath and yet I can't seem to reach the finish line... Furthermore I am nervous about the decision who's going to go up with that rescue mission. Of course I am confident in my own abilities but what if that is not enough?

That's how you must've felt when you applied for Kerberos, right?

As if nothing you ever did or how far you would get, nothing would ever be sufficient.

But you know what?

You were always more than enough for me.

 

 

_The days went by as they always did. The sun rose, shone over the desert and the concrete, before making way to the moon and stars. The wind blew without a care in the world and the students of the Garrison moved from one class to the next, from one end to the other._

_Hardly anything ever changed there._

_The rumour of a rescue-mission being put together made the majority of the base growl in frustration and incomprehension. There was so much at stake and so much money put into this – for what?_

_To retrieve some icicles?_

_Wouldn't it be more advisable to launch another mission to Kerberos instead?_

_And finally, who would be stupid enough to apply for such a suicide-mission?_

_In one of the student's rooms sat the boy with the red jacket next to his peer with glasses. They were deep in conversation, emotions flashing over their faces in rapid succession._

“ _You almost got caught sneaking in his office, don't tell me anything about being more careful, Pidge!”, the red one growled._

“ _Yes, emphasis on the almost-part. I got out just in time, ok? Whereas you never seem to get even a day without a fight.”, the other spat._

_Both seemed very agitated by the whole situation they found themselves in._

“ _I just... I just had to try. The whole thing is so fishy, I can't shake the feeling that they're keeping something from us.”, the one with the glasses continued in a calmer tone, “I have to know what happened to my brother and father.”_

“ _I know. I feel the same. There's no real closure for any of us.”_

_They fell silent again, thinking about the girl in her second year who seemed to be slowly fading away. There was no anchor anymore to keep her here. One day at a time she seemed to become more and more of a ghost._

“ _She's trying her best...”, the smaller one said with a heavy voice, “In fact, she's on top of us all and yet... Why can't we seem to safe her?”_

_The other one stayed silent for a while, carefully thinking his words over._

“ _Maybe she doesn't know how to be saved.”_

 

_Winter finally gave way to spring – even if it was barely noticeable at the Garrison – when a big assembly was arranged. All students and staff had to attend it in the same hall where all the initiation-ceremonies and the mourning-service took place._

_By now almost everyone knew about the shuttle which was going to retrieve what was to be retrieved from the Kerberos-Mission and crew. Yet no details had been passed on which cause a lot of speculations to spread like cancer._

“ _Let's see who is going to become a hero, shall we?”, the girl with the evil grin hovered over the one from the second year._

“ _If you say so.”, she answered and made her way over to her friends when the other pulled her back._

“ _Don't think I will every forgive you for what you've done.”, she hissed._

_A moment passed before the younger one started to laugh, making the confident grin fade away._

“ _I am sorry Tanja but that was just too funny.”, she said, wiping away a tear, “I never knew that you were an aspiring comedian!”_

_Before the other one could even think of anything to reply, the younger one had broken free and finally sat next to her friends who could not believe what they just witnessed._

“ _This might've been one of the most ignorant things I could've done, but after all she had said and done I couldn't help myself.”, her voice was barley audible over the loud music which announced the beginning of the assembly._

 

“ **Officers, Cadets, Students,**

**I stand here before you as a representative of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of our Garrison Military Base. And it is with honour that I say that we came to a decision of how to make the best of the disaster that was the Kerberos-Mission.**

**For this I have taken and will take the fullest responsibility for it was my clouded judgement that lead to said failure.**

**Yet I refuse to give up on the advancement that was made possible by our engineers and scientists. We cannot let ourselves be fooled into diminutiveness by a mere piloting-error. We have to strive for greatness as the whole base – if not the whole world – looks up to us and where we will go.**

**That is the exact reason why the Joint Chiefs of Staff came together with members of the science-department and the military-department to put together a mission to at least minimize the harm the Kerberos-Mission had done to us.**

**We gave this new mission the Name _Hydra_ , as Hydra and Kerberos were siblings and just like relatives who protect each other, do we at the Garrison wish to help each other and grow together.**

**It is our duty after all, to secure human advancement here on earth and in space. And just like the Hydra do we as well work on more than one front – we have several heads as well.**

**If someone tries to chop of on of our heads at least two more will grow from it, stronger than ever before.**

**This is the exact reason why we, the Chiefs of Staff, decided to launch another shuttle to Kerberos to retrieve all that is to be retrieved – be it ice-samples, gear or any remains of our crew. Every last thing could help us to put together what had happen and how we can improve our trainings accordingly as well as how we decide who will pilot future missions.**

**For this mission we already sat aside some criteria we haven't taken into consideration before.**

**This is exactly why we decided on the following three cadets to go up with the newest generation of shuttles and bring closure to this mishap. The pilot will be Caroline Peterson. Her Co-Pilot Andrew McGriever. And as scientist and engineer in one we will send [Y/N][L/N].**

**Congratulations cadets, you will bring honour to our base and the entire planet.”**

 

 

**Operation _Hydra_ Mission Log**

**Captain Caroline Peterson**

_ Mission Log Entry 1 _

Earth – Garrison Military Base – Day 1

General Iverson was serious about us getting started as soon as possible. It's not even been one full day since his address to the whole base, announcing the launch of Operation _Hydra_. As Captain, I was instructed to begin recording a mission log starting today. That I will do but more than that I will keep this as a personal record as well.

As much as I am honoured to be part of such an important mission, I cannot help the fact that I won't be able to remain cold and composed throughout these entries anyway. It's simply not my style. I put this out there right at the beginning to not confuse anyone who might lay eyes on this. Personally speaking, this log is only there to serve me as a captain and this crew in times of need... And everyone else in case we won't make it and they want to know all our secrets.

Or my secrets in this case.

This might not be the wisest choice but despite being on this mission with my friends and colleagues I feel somewhat alone. Furthermore I can't shake an uneasy feeling since the news of the failure of the Kerberos-Crew became known.

Something isn't right. And it it not my place to say anything against it out loud... So I will keep it in here.

Whoever might read this one day be warned, I will not be silenced by any codes or structures.

For now I will leave and join my peers for our first official joint training.  
  


_ Mission Log Entry 2 _

Earth – Garrison Military Base – Day 2

It's interesting how different our training is just because we're going to space in a few weeks for real. Interesting because that's what we're supposed to be trained for anyway.

The difficulty is higher but that was to be expected. I am not scared of any strange manoeuvres as long as Andy and [Y/N] are there to guide me through.

Without them I wouldn't be able to do it.  
  


_ Mission Log Entry 3 _

Earth – Garrison Military Base – Day 3

Today we had our first session in zero G. I always thought moving was the hardest part but it is actually the whole orientation being turned upside down and then around again. I still feel nauseous just thinking about it. Andy was having some fun with [Y/N] just shoving each other around.

It was the first time since the Kerberos-Mission started that I saw her laugh like that. I don't know any details but from what I gathered she lost a childhood friend in the worst way imaginable. That on top of her being bullied for simply getting a scholarship... I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel.

Yet she is so strong, fighting each day to find her way out of and not to drag anyone into it. She is just so stubborn. I just wish for her to finally see that not only her friends – who are wonderful and dorky people – but also Andy and myself are there to help her carry that burden.

On the other hand, how would I feel and act in her situation?

Honestly speaking, I don't even know if I had the strength to keep going.

 

 

_How does it feel to be swallowed by darkness over and over again?_

_How does one fight oneself?_

_The Girl in her second year can't sleep. Whenever she closes her eyes the dark thoughts grab her and try to pull her underwater._

_She can't breathe._

_In the dreamscape there is no way to run from your own mind._

_When she wakes suffocation is instantaneous. The tears almost drown her, the cries she can't suppress any longer are hardly muffled by the pillow she pulls over her face._

_Slowly the air comes back to her, the darkness hiding in the deepest corners of her mind again._

_Hardly any time had passed since she tried to fall asleep._

_The sun is creeping over the horizon yet it's still a long time until morning._

_The Girl gets up and dressed, there is no point in staying in her bed any longer._

_Some nights are alright by now. The days are alright. She was even able to enjoy herself._

_But some nights, without a hint or warning, the darkest part of herself takes possession of her and everything comes crashing down again._

_She sees herself in the mirror and catches her breath._

_There are dark circles under her eyes and her clothes look a little too big on her._

_Without thinking she hits the mirror._

_The sound of the glass shattering was not loud enough to wake anyone or even drown out her racing mind._

_She left the room without paying any attention to the blood falling from her hand._

 

 

**Operation _Hydra_ Mission Log**

**Captain Caroline Peterson**

_ Mission Log Entry 12 _

Earth – Garrison Military Base – Day 12

My body is aching all over, my mind is so full with all the stuff we need to know in order to survive out there. I never knew that there were so many different types of rocks and minerals...

[Y/N] is doing her best to keep up with all the scientific stuff for the three of us, but she can only do so much. And I know that is already too much. Especially after she arrived with a hurt hand a few days ago.

I am worried about her. She looks pretty tired these past days yet she refuses to talk about it... Maybe it is the stress and the pressure we're all feeling.

Or – in her case – it is the way her own suppressed feelings come to visit.

Either way I have to lift her spirits somehow as we're a team of only three people. If one of us is not in top-shape it endangers all of us. And I am not talking about the whole mission and honour. I don't care about any of that.

These two I am going to space with are my friends.

My family.

 

_ Mission Log Entry 32 _

Earth – Garrison Military Base – Day 32

I am honestly amazed by myself. Not only did I manage to record every single day so far – I never managed to keep a diary for too long – we also managed to deepen our teamwork within this first month of training together. It's remarkable how far we've come in such a short time, especially given the circumstances. And I think that [Y/N] played the biggest role in our bonding. I cannot explain this but whenever she is around I feel comforted and warm...

General Iverson had each of us write evaluations about each other yesterday and talked us through it today as if he wanted to analyse us. Personally speaking, I find that very strange. What does he care if I don't like green on Andy or the bickering between him and [Y/N] wether to name our landing spot on Kerberos _Chimera_ or _Sphinx_.

We are working perfectly as a team as soon as we close the doors behind us and get to our positions in the shuttle. And yet he had a lot to talk and complain about. I knew it was coming and still...

Still, I could not refuse.

I have to tell myself that all of these weird measures for this strange mission are only for our own benefit and to keep us safe and sound.

But why is this weird feeling still lingering?

 

_ Mission Log Entry 59 _

Earth – Garrison Military Base – Day 59

We had a discussion today among the three of us of how strange this whole Operation _Hydra_ really is. Don't get me wrong, I am all for it as long as I only keep the rescuing-part in mind.

But something immediately stroke me as odd.

Why did they waited so long before launching a rescue-mission?

I went through a lot of files and books to see if this was normal, but indeed, it is not. Normally a rescue-mission is put into place within days or weeks, not months later.

Additionally, what and whom should we rescue if – according to official reports – the shuttle crashed due to a piloting error? All of the gear and technology is going to be a big pile of ash... with some bones if we're lucky.

Andy asked [Y/N] why she was so keen to fly up with us at the prospect of only finding her childhood friend dead or not at all.

I remember that she flashed him a tiny smile, her eyes kind and warm as if to tell him that she appreciated him being to caring. Yet she did not answer anything at first.

Only after we were done with today's session of connecting wires and components in zero G did she answered his question, her voice barely audible.

“I need him to come home.”


	3. Go

**Personal Message Recording System**

_**No. 4892** _

Entry 105

The day has finally come. In just a few hours we will leave the Garrison and earth and be on our way. I don't have hight hopes to really find anything – I never had, despite everyone thinking I did.

It just wouldn't be logical.

If the shuttle vanished than we won't find it.

If it crashed there is nothing to find either.

To find a crew that vanished almost a year ago without even knowing were to look for them first is just too much of a gamble.

Of course I want to see your smile again...

[silent groan]

I know that I am telling myself all this to push away this small flame of hope that is still flickering inside me. As much as I try to make it go away, to reason with myself and just face the harsh reality... I just can't.

There is no way that there is a world without you...

You know... The day I got the news that you vanished... The day I lost you for good... It was like hearing every goodbye that was ever said to me all at once.

And you know, Takashi, the saddest part is, that I never even got the chance to tell you myself.

 

 

**Operation _Hydra_ Mission Log**

**Captain Caroline Peterson**

_ Mission Log Entry 85 _

Outer Space – Day 1

After almost two years at the Garrison and two months of intensive training, launch was a piece of cake for the three of us. It wasn't any different from the simulator. Maybe a little louder but overall it was very peaceful. Andy and [Y/N] were very calm which calmed my nerves a lot.

I was very nervous as all the responsibility lies on my shoulders. The pressure I feel comes from the higher-ups, not from them. They would not even think about it for a second.

The ceremony to see us off was... a little embarrassing. General Iverson gave another corny speech that reminded me of some propaganda, but I just stood there and tried not to laugh. I know, I should be proud and whatnot – especially so because I am here at the Garrison which is a military academy and base. Yet I never got a hang of these structures and bootlicking.

[laughs]

Yes.

Yes I said it.

[hums]

It is so strange... After all those years of dreaming and training I am finally here in space. I am on my way to the farthest a human has ever been. We could die out here if we make one false move.

Still, I feel nothing but calmness in my mind. I haven't felt this calm since... Hm... I can't even remember...

And finally, the strange feeling vanished as soon as we reached the atmosphere.

I am now pretty sure that everything will be alright. For all of us.

 

_ Mission Log Entry 90 _

Outer Space – Day 5

We've only been out here for 5 days and already I can tell that it is going to be harder than I could've ever imagined. Of course we learned about problems that could arise from living so close together for a longsome time yet experiencing it first-hand is something else entirely.

And its nobodies fault!

I can only speak for myself when I say that I get irritated easier each day if some things don't go my way. This is wrong and I know it. That's why Andy brought forward to implement meditation into our daily routines and set times when we have to be in separate parts of the shuttle.

I am very keen to try it out, so I hope for the best.

 

_ Mission Log Entry 92 _

Outer Space – Day 7

So far Andy's strategies seem to work. Or at least they don't do any harm. It is very relaxing to meditate for a little while in between our tasks. Because – of course – we've got a ton of them.

We were instructed to collect different asteroid-samples and to measure gravitation and temperatures. We weren't really told for what but we also couldn't refuse.

[Y/N] was very interested in our findings. If I had to guess I'd say she's mostly happy to have something to do that keeps her mind distracted. Despite her smile I know she's only pretending.

I can hear her cry at night.

 

 

_There is a saying : When there's a will, there's a way._

_And yet another: Be careful what you wish for._

_Both entail that we as humans have the strength to keep going not matter what. Still, not everyone possesses these traits. In fact, they are as rare as gold or platinum._

_And yet, we humans hold the hubris to believe that we are all special and chosen for something else. Something bigger._

_It's in those moments when we lose everything, our own pride no longer sustaining us, that marks the moment of your awakening._

_Or your downfall._

 

 

**Operation _Hydra_ Mission Log**

**Captain Caroline Peterson**

_ Mission Log Entry 99 _

Outer Space – Day 14

This morning [Y/N] had something interesting to tell us over breakfast. She did not go to sleep with us as she was still going through some of yesterday's findings when an unusual reading popped up on her screen. She showed them to us but both Andy and myself were at a loss. When it came to reading simple graphs I had no problem to read them, but she combined a dozen different sets of data into one, merging it into a very complex design.

As she realized that we had no idea what we were looking at, she immediately apologized and talked us through it. Honestly, I can't remember a lot of it simply because I have no idea what she was talking about. And I know I should be ashamed to not know half as much as she did, as I am the captain... But the bottom line was that she found traces of other life-forms out here which are moving faster than we did in our shuttle. And she was not talking about some bacteria.

“That's not possible.”, Andy replied, his voice shaking with fear.

The prospect of something else being out here which could hunt us down and we had no way of escaping... I felt the fear creep up too.

[Y/N] was silent for a long time after Andy's outburst before she looked at us with a sincere look on her face, washing all her pain and fatigue away, her voice sending chills down my spine.

“What if they were responsible for the Kerberos-Mission to fail?”

 

**Mission _Hydra_**

**Communication Log**

Peterson: What do you mean, the readings are off the chart?

[L/N]: As I said it. There is nothing known to us that moves with this speed and produces such big gravitational shifts.

Peterson: So what does it mean then?

McGriever: Don't tell me again it's aliens. If there really were intelligent life-forms we would've discovered them by now.

[L/N]: I... I don't know. All I am saying is that we have a lot of readings I cannot place into anything we know. Wether it's aliens or a meteor-shower or just some good old debris... I don't know. I haven't seen anything other than my computer-readings so far.

Peterson: So what do you suggest that we're doing?

[L/N]: I have no idea. As long as we don't see anything I would say that we continue the mission as planned. If we find anything in closer proximity we'd have to return to earth.

Peterson: You would give up this whole mission for a few strange readings?! Maybe our instruments are just broken?

[L/N]: Of course that's a possibility... I will check them and have them running on full capacity by tomorrow.

McGriever: Guys..?

Peterson: That would be very advisable. We will discuss this further tomorrow after a full nights rest.

McGriever: I am sorry to interrupt but...

[L/N]: Yes... Captain.

McGriever: GUYS! How do I know what _closer proximity_ is if you just talk over me?!

Peterson: What do you mean?

[L/N]: Oh no...

Peterson: What is it? Another spike on your readings? I told you, we will see if the instruments-

McGriever: Caroline, that will not be necessary...

Peterson: What... What is this?

McGriever: It looks like a... Flat iron?

[L/N]: It's a ship... It's a space-ship.

Peterson: Wait... What does that mean?

[L/N]: It means that they have found us.

 

 

 

**Garrison Military Base**

**Post-hearing memorandum of cadet No. 4892**

**[Y/N][L/N]**

**on the topic of**

**The disappearance of Operation Hydra Crew-members Caroline Peterson and Andrew McGriever and the failure of said rescue mission**

Cadet No. 4892 [Y/N][L/N] was appointed as engineer and scientist for the Hydra rescue-mission as of the Memorandum for Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Garrison Military Base dated 14thMarch 20xx. Her duties consisted of repairing the engines as well as evaluate the data which was gathered throughout the mission.

Furthermore she was instructed to continue the research started by Professor Holt who was aboard the Kerberos-Mission and to rescue the crew members – if alive, or retrieve their bodies – if deceised – and gather the gear that was lost.

According to her did everything go according to plan up until day 15 of the mission when a sudden complication occurred in the main engines which caused them to overheat. Despite her warnings did Captain Peterson refuse to turn around and head back to earth immediately.

The situation got worse when the air-lock became unstable.

On captains orders did cadet No. 4892 and Co-Pilot McGriever go outside to start external emergency-repairs on the engines and the air-lock while Captain Peterson started to turn the shuttle around.

Cadet No. 4892 reported that the emergency-measures where not fast enough and did not provided as much overall stability as was necessary in such a situation.

This was seen as critique against military measures.

The science-department on the other hand backed that up by the data cadet No. 4892 provided. Her report concluded with the evacuation of the shuttle after the emergency-measures were not sufficient but only caused the main-engines to overheat even more. The cause for this could only be guessed. Cadet No. 4892 voiced the suspicion that it might be a bug in the programming which might have also played a role in the Kerberos-Mission's failure.

The final – and most pondering – question was posed by General Iverson who wanted to know why cadet No. 4892 was the only one who returned to earth in an escape-pod which was clearly made for up to six people. Her silence was noticed by the whole auditorium as a sign if regret and shame.

She answered honestly that she had only acted according to Captain Peterson's orders who instructed her to return home.

Cadet No. 4892 then started to cry – as is expected after such traumatic events – as she continued to talk about the circumstances aboard the shuttle. By the time she and Co-Pilot McGriever were back inside it was clear that the ship had to be abandoned in order to safe their lives. Captain Peterson ordered her two subordinates to leave the ship and her at once. For reasons cadet No. 4892 did not understand, Co-Pilot McGriever decided to stay as well.

As she protested and refused to leave her comrades (“friends” as she called them) she was knocked unconscious and placed in the pod which returned to the base according to his programming.

After this final statement the hearing was concluded with the following verdict:

  * Cadet No. 4892 did everything she was instructed and ordered to her best capability.

  * Despite the desperate circumstances the crew found themselves in, cadet No. 4892 did everything possible to secure the lives of her comrades and secure the mission.

  * Therefore she will be awarded with a medal of honour after she had completed a rehabilitation to work through the loss of her comrades under the most dire circumstances.

  * There will no mission succeeding Operation Kerberos and Operation Hydra in the near future.

  * The search for any crew-members lost in space is discontinued for the time being.




**Author's Note:**

> My dearest reader, thank you so much for stopping by!  
> This short drabble is the intermezzo between Part 1 "Nebula" and Part 3 "Supernova" which I will start uploading on May 18th if everything works out.
> 
> I wanted to try something different entirely which resulted in those three chapters. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. As always, come and stalk me on  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)  
> I love to hear from you!
> 
> Also if you have any requests for scenes or whole stories, let me know as well.
> 
> I can't way to see you again to the third part which will finally be a little more on the happy side - I promise! I can't stand a bad ending after all...
> 
> Stay rad! <3


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